Creating Safety and Security
The Foundation for Deep Connection and Healthy Conflict in Your Relationship
Are you longing for more connection in your primary relationship? Are you caught in a problem-solving loop where the issues continue to be unresolved? If either of these ring true, then working towards a sense of felt safety in your relationship may lay the foundation for both connection and really hearing and understanding each other in regards to ongoing challenges.
Many times we focus in relationships on wanting more connection or on the conflict itself—the continual loop of issues that are ever present and cyclical and yet many of these things are simply ongoing issues that will continue to be a challenge for any relationship. Yet, what we often don’t focus on is the underlying dynamics that provide a stronger foundation for feeling connected and navigating the conflict. These are the intangible things that are harder to pinpoint, but continue to ripple through every single interaction in a relationship. These deeper things are vulnerable—deeper questions and fears—Do you really love me? Will you really stay? Will you abandon me too? Do you really choose me? Am I your priority? Do you respect me? Can I trust you? Can I count on you?
And these questions are often related to deeper wounds already experienced and ingrained in people. While they might be rooted in the past, they show up in the present—in the ways that someone fears getting too close and vulnerable as they fear they will just be hurt again, in the ways that someone rejects someone before they are hurt, in the way that someone clings in insecurity needing a lot of reassurance. These dynamics show up not just in our thoughts, but in our bodies as our nervous systems go into fight, flight, or freeze mode when flooded and triggered. These dynamics are related to feeling safe and secure in a relationship.
The word “safety” may sound disconcerting and like it does not apply. But safety in this sense is talking about emotional safety—of knowing in your relationships that you are not under threat. This is about your nervous system and how it responds to literally everything—the tone of voice of someone, the way you interact after you have been apart, the words someone says of course, but also all of the non-verbal communication—eye contact, touch, etc.
Safety is built through many small interactions. Saying you are sorry, elevating repair, turning back towards each other after disagreements. Being trustworthy and honest. Not playing games. Communicating directly and assertively. Ground rules around criticism, calling each other names, threatening each other, etc. Getting back to the basics looks like working to address these questions—Do I feel safe with you? Is being around you like an exhale for me or the opposite where I feel more on edge and walk on eggshells? Do I trust that you have my best interest at heart?
For Reflection
What do you need to feel more safe and secure in your closest relationships?
What does your spouse or someone else in your life need to feel safer with you?
Consider talking openly and honestly about the concept of felt safety and security with your person. If you are already there in terms of safety and security being pretty standard for your relationship, that’s so great! If you are not, what would it be like for you both to intentionally move towards this dynamic, so that you feel more like allies— like a team?
Upcoming Events
For local couples and anyone else who lives farther away and is willing to drive to join us, please consider attending the upcoming marriage mini retreat happening August 16th. I am excited to partner with Karen Fortuno for this opportunity, and we can’t wait to meet with those who are registered. Registration Information
Elizabeth encourages listeners to really consider their own patterns as well as the patterns in their relationships. This takes reflection and some degree of self-awareness. When you are honest with yourself about naming the patterns, you are more in a position to possibly grow through them and to help create healthier dynamics with yourself and in your relationships.
Elizabeth encourages movement towards a healthier body image by increasing awareness of all or nothing, highly critical, and rigid thought patterns. The good news is that we can work to cultivate and build a healthier view of bodies by intentionally shifting our thoughts towards more acceptance and more sustainable thoughts and choices.. This is relevant for adults listening in terms of their own body image and also for any parents listening to consider how they can model a healthy body image for their kids.
This episode is all about anxiety and avoidance strategies as anxiety often provokes developing coping strategies that are avoidant in nature. Elizabeth encourages challenging avoidance when it is not serving you. As people, we generally grow through facing hard things. When we become less avoidant and face what is anxiety provoking, we may find that the anxiety shift and become less powerful.
Elizabeth encourages listeners to acknowledge and name their limits. This moves someone towards self-compassion and sustainability instead of expecting themselves to be rigidly perfect and continuously feeling shame and the loud voice of a noisy inner critic. Naming and embracing limits looks like someone acknowledging what they need, giving themselves permission to rest, recover, and accept "good enough" in accordance with their values.
Each Narrating Hope episode is short and able to be accessed and listened to while going about daily life—one walk, folding one load of laundry, etc. Follow along on Apple or Spotify. Please share with others and consider leaving a review!!
Episode #1: Held & Free
Episode #2: Delight in Small Things
Episode #3: Name your Values
Episode #4: Friendship that Refreshes
Episode #5: Friendship in Life Transitions
Episode #6: What am I Carrying?
Episode #7: Let’s Talk about Needs
Episode #8: What Makes Me Feel Like a Person?
Episode #9: Self-Compassion
Episode #10: Rhythms of Work, Rest, and Play
Episode #11: Holidays: Grief and Meaning Making
Episode #12: Gratitude and Narrative
Episode #13: Feeling Overwhelmed Before Christmas
Episode 14: A Seat at the Table
Episode 15: Letting Go of Perfectionism
Episode 16: Boundaries and Core Beliefs
Episode 17: Scarcity Mindset, Longings, & Gratitude
Episode 18: The Counseling Relationship
Episode 19: Am I Overfunctioning?
Episode 20: Claiming Margin
Episode 21: Externalizing Anxiety’s Voice
Episode 22: Assertive Communication
Episode 23: Consider the Season
Episode 24: Sustainable Caregiving
Episode 25: Take Some Time
Episode 26: All or Nothing Thinking Thinking? Challenging the Narrative
Counseling--In person and online for individual adults living in Tennessee, Mississippi, and Georgia. Focus areas include anxiety and stress, grief, life transitions, relationships, and self-worth, yet work extends into depression and other areas. Counseling work is more comprehensive in terms of holding space for exploration of the past, present functioning, and future goals. More information on counseling can be found here.
Coaching--In person and online sessions are available without geographic restrictions. Coaching works extends to couples looking to strengthen connection and attachment, communication, etc. I also work with individuals on personal goals including learning to care for self while caring for others, career transitions, parenting support, learning to set boundaries, etc. Coaching work is more focused on present and future goals. More information can be found here.
Workshops & Speaking--Individual and community opportunities for growth, reflection, and conversation related to various mental health and wellness themes. More information about workshops can be found here. I also am available for speaking to groups about mental health and wellness themes.
Writing & Podcast--I love to share mental health and wellness themes through writing and the Narrating Hope podcast. Join me in these conversations by reading and listening and consider sharing with a friend. The podcast is available on Apple and Spotify.
Supervision—I am offering supervision for counselors working towards licensure in the state of Tennessee. I am grateful for the opportunity to help counselors grow.