Patterns in Relationships
Identifying and Challenging What is No Longer Serving You
In early childhood teachers work with young children to learn about identifying patterns. The concept of noticing how shapes, letters, and numbers fit together is one of those foundational educational skills. In learning about patterns, a person can notice how they contribute to and continue a pattern, yet there’s also the reality that people can play a role in interrupting patterns.
We, as people, have relational patterns. Some of these patterns serve us and our relationships well, and others are not so helpful, and maybe not just not helpful, but actually harmful in our relationships.
Patterns are often learned throughout our lives and may serve to protect us for a time, yet as we ideally move towards more safety and connection with ourselves and in our relationships, there can come a time that someone is ready to challenge unhealthy relationship patterns. In this way, it’s kind of like laying down a heavy suit of armor that is no longer helpful and protective.
The incredible thing is that while it often takes more safety and connection with ourselves and others to be ready to challenge patterns, the very challenging of patterns can also strengthen our relationships, enhancing connection and safety, leading to more authenticity and more freedom in being and relating.
Identify the Patterns
The good news is that just like a child learning to identify and notice patterns, we can do this in our relationships through intentional reflection. This takes slowing down enough to even have time to pause and reflect. It can be helpful to have a journal with a pen in hand to help promote some reflection. And then ask yourself–What patterns am I in relationally? Consider the breadth of relationships–marriage/dating, parent and child, sibling, friend, colleague, etc. If there is a certain relationship that you find yourself struggling with often, focus your attention on it. Often these patterns show up in our closest, most vulnerable relationships.
In paying attention to unhealthy patterns, keep in mind that this is less about isolated incidents, but becoming more aware of relationship dynamics that keep showing up. In identifying patterns, consider what auto-pilot kinds of things you have going on. In what ways do you find yourself feeling like a hamster on a wheel in your relationship dynamics–thinking ”here we go again” time after time?
If you are married or have a partner or are in another kind of close relationship, certainly the other person may play a role in continual patterns and dynamics, but consider some self-examination. What’s your part? How do you contribute to the dynamics? By taking ownership of your part, you are more in a position to influence change for yourself and your relationships.
Challenge the Patterns
While we cannot change the other people around us, we can influence our relationships and work towards a greater sense of connection.
After identifying which patterns are healthy, encouraging, and connecting and which patterns are harming your relationships, you are now in a position to challenge the patterns that are no longer serving you. In this way, you are positioned to influence relational patterns in your life in a positive way.
Instead of your typical auto-pilot response, consider pausing and intentionally seeking to be more responsive instead of reactive. This is so challenging and is a continuous process, yet one that can yield great fruit relationally.
Tune into how you are feeling on the inside and work to communicate honestly to both yourself and other people in a way that aligns with what you are feeling and experiencing and what you really want. For example, if you are wanting connection, then begin to challenge your own behavioral pattern of criticizing someone else, etc., as that often pushes the person you want to be close away. Simply being in more alignment can go a long way in challenging unhealthy dynamics.
Remember that this is an ongoing process rather than flipping a switch. Sustained change often happens slowly, by continuously posturing yourself with reflection and an ability to be more intentional and to live and act with more alignment of your values and your actions. And while change is certainly more complex for relationships than simply for individuals, remember the significance of your own role and the power to influence your relationships in a powerful way by addressing the patterns you find yourself in.
I so appreciated the opportunity to speak with parents about “Anxiety and Mental Health” on August 27th. Many thanks to the Mountain Education Foundation for hosting me and providing this time to share practical tools for navigating anxiety and supporting mental health in general.
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