Voice Matters
The Significance of Knowing and Speaking Your Voice
Voice. Years ago I had an English teacher with a famous red pen, yet what I remember most is not his red marks all over essays, but his message to me “Find your voice.” This can really be a lifelong journey, a continual quest. It’s one of those messages that sits with you. What does it really mean to find my voice? What does it really mean to you to find your voice? Why is this task so significant? This theme of voice comes up often in counseling and coaching work. How do you feel and what do you think about this or that? Have you voiced how you feel even to those you are closest with? Have you even voiced how you feel and what you think and what you believe to yourself?
Earlier this month I began hosting some friendship workshops. One of these is focused on young elementary age girls and the other for upper elementary, middle, and high school girls. Amidst all of the things we talked about related to healthy friendships, voice was not only a focus, but a key take away concept. Many of us adults are still journeying to know that our voice actually matters and working ourselves to be assertive when we need to be. Yet, what if our young girls begin to grasp the significance of their voice now—at age 7, at age 11, at age 14? Having a voice means not only discerning and deciding what is okay with them in peer relationships, but also speaking into situations that cross boundaries and that they are not okay with. As I sat with these girls, the implications of voice were so evident.
If I know how to use my voice, how might this impact dating when those kinds of relationships begin? If I know my own voice, then how might I navigate peer pressure? If I know my own voice then how might that help me be assertive about my education and my career? If I know my own voice then perhaps how much more authentic and safe might my relationships be? Because I am honest with myself and others, I am not playing games, pretending, stuffing, and numbing. Instead, I am simply tuning in, paying attention, and voicing when I need to. I am being honest and authentic with myself and others.
Sometimes as parents we want to quiet our kids voices especially if they are loud or being disrespectful, etc. We live with an age old cultural message of “children should be seen and not heard,” yet is that really what we want for our kids? Perhaps there are ways to integrate room for both “I value your opinion, thoughts, and feelings, and can you voice it with more respect?”
Just for fun, I’d love to close with this story. We live in an old house, with a lot of character, and with that character has come a perpetual list of things that need fixing. Maybe that’s with any house. That being said, these last couple of weeks have been all about plumbing issues with a downstairs sink so backed up and overflowing and the discovery of a much bigger problem than clogged pipes. When plumbers came to fix the problem, which really became a diagnosis of a much bigger problem to fix, they were making a lot of noise working in that bathroom. In the midst of this noise, I heard my 4 year old call out to them from upstairs “Can you please keep it down in there?.” Of course there may be mixed feelings about this story. Is she impolite to say that or is she simply assertively using her voice in a respectful way? All I know is that I felt surprised by her words and yet not fully surprised at the same time. She is assertive, and while sometimes that assertiveness is difficult, I hope she continues to grow in knowing and speaking her voice.
For Reflection
In what ways can I move forward and grow in this area of voice—knowing my voice, being confident in my voice, and practicing assertive, honest communication with my voice?
If I am parenting, how can I model this concept of voice with my children?
Where does faith come into the equation with voice; do you share your voice with God?
Practice
If you find yourself often shying away from using your own voice, consider writing as a way to begin to know your voice.
When you are ready practice asserting your voice in small things. Use “I statements” where you simply name how you feel, what you need, and even what your preferences are.
Practice this both in anonymous settings like a restaurant (placing your order, asking for what you want, etc.) as well as with your safest relationships, yet also take steps to simply try it with yourself particularly in regards to being honest with yourself. Honesty is foundational for voice.
Upcoming In Person Workshops
This past year I have loved being hosted for workshops by others in the community, yet I am thrilled to now offer some small, conversational workshops in hopes that they will be an encouragement and a support to those who can attend. The first round of friendship workshops were so well attended, and I was so encouraged that there are now new upcoming dates!
If you are local to Chattanooga, I would love for you to join me in these small, conversational, interactive workshops and to share about these with others! More information can be found here.
Counseling--In person and online for individual adults living in Tennessee, Mississippi, and Georgia. Focus areas include anxiety and stress, grief, life transitions, relationships, and self-worth, yet work extends into depression and other areas. Counseling work is more comprehensive in terms of holding space for exploration of the past, present functioning, and future goals. More information on counseling can be found here.
Coaching--In person and online sessions are available without geographic restrictions. Coaching works extends to couples looking to strengthen connection and attachment, communication, etc. I also work with individuals on personal goals including learning to care for self while caring for others, career transitions, parenting support, learning to set boundaries, etc. Coaching work is more focused on present and future goals. More information can be found here.
Courses & Workshops--Individual and community opportunities for growth, reflection, and conversation related to various mental health and wellness themes. The self-pace, online course on anxiety and stress is described here, and more information about workshops can be found here.
Writing & Podcast--I love to share mental health and wellness themes through writing and am now working behind the scenes to launch a podcast (this is needing more time than I had originally thought, so it will be a minute, but it is in the works!).